The unbearable heaviness of now
Do you experience singular emotions anymore? I can only experience an unpalatable puree of emotions intertwined with no start or end.
Since I started writing this today, I've checked Twitter twice, bookmarked some motivational posts, thought about the backlog of work that will fall on me tomorrow, watched an episode on Netflix, and thought about 5 other emails I want to write. My phone buzzed in between, and I watched a cacophony collection of reels on finding love, hustling, and regrets older people have.
I have lost touch with what I wanted to write and, more importantly, why I wanted to write it. The whole day has passed, and I've not felt anything. The future has become the past without it ever becoming the present.
What is happening to us? Do you also live in a state where you are emotionally exhausted, having felt nothing? A whirlpool of emotions has run through the vessel without anything sticking to the walls. Ask yourself how you felt today and you may not have an answer.
When working on code, I think about the client call I've to do today. But I'm doing other work when I am in those client meetings. The very thing I was waiting for is happening, and I'm already onto the next. At the office, I think about my lack of fitness, and in the gym, I think of measuring efficiency in the company. What's wrong with the brain?
Or is there something wrong with the present moment itself? We eagerly await one thought to actualize in the present, only to jump on the next wagon. Is our aim to quickly run through the stream of thoughts till death
Why is now so unbearably heavy? The very things emotions were made for, to understand ourselves better, are skipped in how we operate right now.
God knows how many experiences are over without an emotional climax. Did I like the thing? Do I want to experience it again? No idea.
A friend once told me he was experiencing stagnation at his job but didn't want to quit now. He reasoned that this chapter of his career would be over without any conclusions. It didn't make sense to me then, but it does now. Despite coming close to the end, the chapter still had emotional learnings for him until the last line.
I think about all the times I've prematurely quit things and run away from places and people. All chances of learning more about myself were squandered away.
I understand now that there is value in experiencing emotions singularly — one at a time, and till the end. Many ordinary moments can teach us something valuable if we show the courage to experience it fully. To prolong the moment, extract the last bit of juice and not rush to the next thing.
There is a fuller life in individual moments, and our life is nothing other than being deeply present through them.