Revisiting self-improvement
I remember the time I voluntarily searched for a self-improvement book. Struggling to manage courses in second year, I searched on the internet - “How to manage time”. The book 168 Hours by Laura Vanderkam was mentioned in a reddit thread. I instantly downloaded the book and got to reading it. The gist of the book was sophisticated way of tracking hours and performing a diagnosis on that. I tried a day or two but it didn’t stick.
Little did I know them, that this pattern will repeat itself for years.
“How to build habits”, “How to become successful?”, “How to not be triggered while talking to your parents”, “How to decide between career choices?”, “How can I build a great work ethic”, “Will I regret not doing a PhD?”, “How to not be avoidant attached?” “How to become a more charismatic person?”
With every new worry that popped in my mind, I would find articles, books or videos and meticulously consume them. Not too proud of it but I have read all popular self-help books you can name, read through the blogs of all self-help gurus and listened to way too many podcasts.
The pattern always started with a newly identified flaw, and the search aimed to find the solution from an expert. As years passed, I found some answers but uncovered more flaws on the way. The exercise is still not complete. The queries have become more specific, more contextual. I have failed at implementing generic advices so now I am searching for more specific ones. I skip through answers that don’t resonate with me anymore, either not being convincing enough or written from a person who is not relatable. The answer to all my anxieties awaits in a corner of the internet, yet to be discovered.
I deleted my substack impulsively a few weeks ago and painstakingly created again on bearblog. In process of doing so, I revisited some entries I wrote on self-improvement three years ago. Life has changed so much, and not-at-all at the same time. I had a realisation.
I have come far, and yet I’ve travelled very little
If I categorise the changes I’ve observed in myself into two buckets -- intentional and non-intentional, I see a stark difference. The things I deliberately wanted to do and change have all fell flat. I wanted to build productive habits for work, writing, fitness and lifestyle all of which I’m still struggling with. Yes, I’ve put in some reps for these, in order to put tick marks in the habit tracker app, but these have not seeped into my identity. There is still plenty of resistance trying to write, go to gym or work on weekends.
In contract, some changes have come very easily, without me focusing on them at all. I’ve become a socially confident person, something my college self so desperately wanted. I’ve become comfortable taking career risk, and jumped into entrepreneurship.
The things I made progress on were changes driven by some deep rooted fear. Fear of not having people around as I grow older or fear of not doing something impactful with my life. Running away from fear has brought more changes than running towards my goals.
I read the story of a guy who decided one day that running is good for him and has ran every day without missing for the next 30 years. This is the most powerful story of self-improvement I’ve read. No fluff, no finding a book, running group, accountability partner etc. The identity of a being runner settled deep inside him. This is what I wanted to self-improvement. To have a moment of realisation so big, that life automatically falls in the correct lane.
I understand self-improvement differently now. Rationalisation / intellectualisation of self improvement misses the mark. It’s no longer about tricking or forcing your brain. It’s not about great moments of clarity, or routines of millionaires or the new shiny tracking app. After months of trying to change a habit or quitting an addiction and failing at it has made me realised that I am not as logical as I used to pride and my emotional self drives most of my actions.
Your logical brain is not an autocratic ruler which can command your body to wake up on time and hit the gym daily if only he could rationalize why it’s good for him. The logical brain shuts off at the time you need it the most, and all your goals and why you want to achieve them disappear. The best bet here is to think of the logical portion as the driving instructor to a kid who has the steering. You can’t order the emotional brain to do something, you can only soothe it’s impulses and slowly steer it in good direction.
A lot of it involves going a level deeper, peeling the layer of the onion. The reason you can’t fix your sleep schedule is less to do with your screen time before bed or your forgetfulness of putting the alarm, it’s more about why you stay up late scrolling? Do you feel no sense of control in your day life and staying up late is a rebelling for that. Or that you don’t enjoy waking up because you dread starting the day. Self improvement now is about untangling the emotional knots one at a time. Align your goals to deeper needs and not good-to-have achievements.